


Reflections on Hair and Potatoes

by orphan_account



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: F/F, M/M, This is mostly a joke, hairgate fic, mostly - Freeform, this is all tumblr user lavellington's fault i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 17:27:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10036163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Always one to cash in on the latest trends, I have written a fic based on the dread hairgate scandal. This is that fic.





	

It all started with a mug. The mug was then followed by a series of potatoes and sticks of lipstick, and finally, a cat.

                The gang (“the gang” here meaning the proprietors of Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and other choice relatives of those people) was sitting around in Dirk’s apartment—which was currently serving as the agency headquarters until they could find someplace more suitable. They were watching TV, although none of them knew what they were watching and had stopped paying attention a while ago.

                Dirk and Todd were giddily recapping their most recent case—well, Dirk was, at least. Todd had never done anything that could be considered ‘giddy’. The case had involved a series of loose iguanas and a murder by falling corpse.

                Todd was just finishing up describing how they’d caught the murderer when Amanda stood, announcing that she was making tea and would anyone like to have any tea.

                Farah and Dirk replied with a yes, and Todd replied with his usual ‘I don’t like tea’.

                There was the sound of pouring water and disturbed cabinets from the kitchen for a moment before Amanda’s voice was heard again, from the doorway;

                “Oh, hey, Dirk—I found this mug at a thrift store and I just _had_ to buy it. It’s like, the exact same color as your hair.” She appeared in the doorway holding a red mug.

                Farah shook her head; “That is _not_ the color of Dirk’s hair.  It’s way too red.”

                Todd nodded. “Yeah, I agree. Dirk is really more of an auburn.”

                “Actually, I think it’s more like mahogany.” Added Farah, who was now staring intently at the hair of a very confused Dirk.

                “What, no-”

                Amanda interrupted, sitting on the floor in her characteristic pretzel-esque position despite there being three perfectly good seats in the room. She had apparently totally forgotten her previous task of making tea and was fully invested in this new conversation topic.

                “No! Look, It’s the exact same color!” she asserted, holding the mug up to Dirk’s head. “It’s red, see?”

                Todd crossed his arms. “Well, even if the mug _was_ the same color as Dirk’s hair, that would just mean that the mug _isn’t red_ , because Dirk’s hair _isn’t red._ It’s auburn.”

                “Mahogany.” Interjected Farah again.

                Todd sighed, turning to his boyfriend, who seemed thoroughly confused by the fact that the conversation had suddenly become extremely focused on him without warning. “Dirk, what color would you say your hair is?”

                Dirk stayed silent for a moment before replying; “I-I’ve always thought I was…blonde.”

                The other three all scoffed.

                “Well, we know that that’s not true.” Said Todd bluntly.

                The conversation moved on eventually, but there was still some tension, and every so often one of them would glance up at Dirk’s hair inquisitively. None of them mentioned the topic for the rest of the day.

               

It wasn’t brought up again until the next day, when Amanda burst into Dirk’s apartment holding an assortment of lipsticks and a bag of potatoes.

                She burst in, yelling; ‘we’re going to get to the bottom of this’, but was interrupted by Todd who alluded to the fact that they were currently interviewing a client and could she please wait to have this conversation until later, or never. Farah smiled awkwardly at Amanda and waved at her as she slipped back out the door. It wasn’t until the client was safely ushered out that Amanda returned, once again asserting that _they were going to get to the bottom of this_.

                “To the bottom of what?” sighed Todd.

                “Of Dirk’s hair color, of course; it’s been bugging me all night.” Farah contemplated this a moment before agreeing with Amanda. “Me too. It is kind of…perplexing.”

                “Right. So.” Continued Amanda. “I’ve brought my lipstick shades—all of which are labelled—and a couple different types of potatoes, so we can compare them to Dirk’s hair and see which one fits his color the best. For closure’s sake.”

                Todd rolled his eyes but if he had spoken his mind he would’ve revealed that the preceding night had been quite sleepless for him and dominated by wondering whether Dirk’s hair really _was_ mahogany, and how was he supposed to date this guy if he didn’t even know what color his hair was?

                So they spent at least half an hour—although they were too ashamed to admit that it was probably much more than that—comparing Dirk’s hair to different colors of lipstick and potato skin. Dirk was the only one who protested to this overly-thorough color checking, although he gave up pretty quickly, perhaps deciding that the universe _wanted_ him to know exactly what color his hair was.

                After comparing every possible hue they could find to Dirk’s hair, nothing had really changed. Farah still asserted that it was mahogany, while Todd continued to proclaim it as auburn, and Amanda unrelentingly stood by red. Pretty much the only thing that had changed was that everyone had a much bigger knowledge of lipstick tones.

                Todd sighed, head in his hands. “I can’t believe we couldn’t agree on _any of these_.”

                Dirk shrugged. “Maybe we’re not meant to know.” he said flatly; he was a bit cranky from having lipstick tubes held next to his head for the past hour.

                Amanda was the most disappointed by their failure to identify Dirk’s hair color, and seemed to be totally lost in thought for a while. Finally, she brightened up, proclaiming cheerily that she had gotten an idea that might fix their problem once and for all.

                “Dirk, could you come with me? We’re going shopping.”

                Dirk seemed simultaneously utterly confused and totally relieved by this turn of this events, glad to be pulled away from this argument and to not have to look at another potato for a while.

                Todd and Farah sat around watching TV for the next half an hour, a small amount of worry eating at the back of both of their minds. They had learned time and time again that Dirk and Amanda made a deadly team when it came to getting themselves into trouble.

                They were relieved, then, when their respective significant others returned safely with only a couple plastic shopping bags to show for the trip. Their moods seemed substantially improved from when they had left, which Todd and Farah both agreed probably wasn’t a good sign.

                They slipped into the bathroom with their cabal of shopping bags, both giggling under their breath. Needless to say, it was worrying.

                “What are you two doing in there?” Todd yelled after them.

                “You’ll see when we come back out!” Amanda’s voice came in reply.

                Todd and Farah looked confusedly at each other. Todd shrugged; if Dirk wanted to ruin his bathroom on his own time, then he could go ahead and do it (At least, that’s what Todd told himself. He was actually very worried).

                After a while, the cat (Which didn’t have a name yet but Dirk was for now calling the ‘shitten’—shark + kitten—despite Todd’s fervent protests) came wandering out of the darkness to investigate the mysterious feeling in the air. Todd reached down to try and pet it, but it was apparently refusing to accept his affection—as it had been since they’d gotten it—because it bolted away from his hand and into the crack in the bathroom door. There was the sound of shuffling boxes and running water for a moment before the cat padded back out—but this time, something had changed.

                Now, the cat appeared to have been rolling around in one of those colorful chalk drawings that a kid might make on the ground. It’s normally jet-black fur was instead painted every color of the rainbow and then some, like some kind of insane galaxy print sweater.

                Todd picked up the cat, covering his arms, too, in a film of brightly colored dust and… was that paint? He and Farah stared down at it with wide eyes for a moment.

                Finally, Todd stood up, cradling the now struggling cat in his arms, and walked cautiously towards the door.

                “Um, what are you guys doing in there?” he said, his voice breaking slightly towards the end of the sentence.

                There was a moment of silence before the bathroom door flew open, revealing Dirk standing next to Amanda, who was presenting him like he was a car on a high budget game show.

                “TA-DA!” She exclaimed.

                Dirk was standing and smiling stiffly at Farah and Todd. Except, there was something different about him, too. Like the cat, his hair was filled with every color of the rainbow—and also pink for some reason.

                Todd heard a Farah say ‘oh my god’ softly from behind him. No one spoke for a moment before Amanda took it upon herself to break the silence.

                “It looks great, right? We took _forever_ deciding on which color to do so we wouldn’t have to argue anymore, so finally Dirk decided that as a compromise we would do it in _every_ color.”

                “Oh my god, Dirk.” Todd repeated Farah’s sentiment, having nothing else to say.

                “What do you think, Todd?” Dirk asked, a bit shakily.

                Todd set down the cat and walked up to Dirk, looking up at his boyfriend for a moment before wrapping him tightly in one of Todd’s signature prickly and awkward hugs.

                “I love it, Dirk. It’s really cool.” He pulled away and smiled at his sister. “And now we don’t have to debate anymore. We can’t argue about what color his hair is if his hair is _every_ color.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave comments


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